Wednesday, May 31, 2006

I hate these flashbacks!

Not to make a mountain out of a molehill but I truly believe that I have post traumatic stress disorder since my pancreatitis attack in November. I have very disturbing flashbacks sometimes and it always sets me on edge.

I can be in the shower shaving my legs and I will flash back to sitting in front of the sink in the hospital,trying to wash myself and brush my teeth.I could barely move. With an I.V. in my arm,I wasn't very flexible. My stomach was so painful, I couldn't bend over to the sink to spit out the toothpaste. For the first few days,it took about 45 minutes for this sponge bath. When I was done,I had to take a nap. I was exhausted.

Whenever I get a stomach pain,I immediately flash back to when I was crying for morphine and the nurse wouldn't come because I wasn't due for another shot for 2 more hours. Every pain that I get now,scares me into thinking the pancreatitis has returned. I can't have a regular stomach ache without feeling that sense of panic.

Today it is hot outside. Really and truly hot. I didn't realize how hot until I walked up to school to pick up Lillianna. By the time I reached her,the sweat was dripping down my face and I could barely catch my breath. I noticed a small pain in my stomach and flashed back to the day before I went to the hospital.

I was so thirsty and hot that day and my stomach felt like someone was chewing my insides. I couldn't get cool and I couldn't quench my thirst. As these thoughts were spinning through my head,I tried to focus on just walking home to put on the air conditioner. I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to do it. Finally,I saw our building and I knew I'd be ok.

I was relieved when I walked through the door. I immediately put both air conditioners on, got a bottle of water and sat on the bed. I feel better now but I have to head outside again. I have errands to run and then I have a mandatory meeting at work. I can't wait to come home and relax.

I wish these flash backs would stop already!

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