Sunday, September 26, 2004

My Bad Blind Date Experience

This is the story of "my bad spice rack/blind date experience"

When I was about 27, my mom's friend fixed me up on a blind date with her neighbor's son. I should've known it was bad at that point. He was a pharmacist (I was thinking, Oh he has a good job.Ok. Probably a geek with a pocket protector though.)We talked on the phone to make a lunch date on a Saturday. I drove to his apartment to meet him. Oh what a surprise when he had a pocket protector in his shirt. How do such things become a stereotype? Hmmm, I wonder.

So we went out to lunch and he proceeded to tell me how his mother had been cheating on his father with a neighbor (my mom's friend???? who the hell knows? who cares? I was already asleep in my salad at this point.) He talked so damn fast. A conversation looked like this. Picture a poodle on speed when you string all this yipping together.

"So my muthah, ya know my muthah,she was like goin out all the time, ya out, and like my fathah was like wantin ta know where she like was and so he goes and follows her but like my sistah, ya my sistah she like didn't know like why he was following her and like I was so pissed, you know pissed about this whole thing so I like yelled at my muthah......."

At that point I was so willing to go to the bathroom and never come back but damn didn't we come in ONE car!! After lunch we went back to his apartment and he said "Come into the kitchen. I like totally want you to meet my spice rack." Meet his spice rack? I have my own spice rack. It's a rack. With spices. Uh huh. Did I have to meet the stove and dishwasher too?

So he leads me into his microscopic kitchen and stops in front of the spice rack. "Ya know before I got this spice rack when a recipe called for tarragon or basil or garlic I just left it out cuz I didn't have it and it tasted bland you know bland? but now that I have the spices whenever a recipe calls for a spice I can like put it in and you know it tastes good now. So here is my spice rack....this is Thyme, Tarragon, Celery Seed, Basil.............." where is the steak knife? I need to kill this dork boy!! When that torture was over I was just about to end it with a mad rush to the door when he took me by the hand to sit on his naugahyde couch. Ya you read it correctly...NAUGAHYDE!!!!!!!

"Guess how much I paid for this at B'nai B'rith" (Oh did I have to mention he was Jewish or did you get that on your own?????????) Then he starts in ..."Guess, go ahead and guess just take a guess how much, how much,how much do you think I paid?? Just try...try to guess go ahead." I looked at this pitiful crappy couch and said, "Uhm...$25??" He almost slid right off the couch!"$25??????$25?????? Are you crazy???? It cost me $200 and THAT was a good bargain. $25? You don't know anything!!"

I thought,"Ya well I know you are a loser and my mother's friend is SO DEAD!!!!!!!!!!! Who thought this guy was interesting??????" So FINALLY I said it was getting late and it was the first night of Chanukah and I needed to light the candles with my family. He walked me to my car and asked, "Can I kiss you?" Please give me a round of applause for not laughing out loud and spitting on him. I said, "Oh gosh darn it ...I have a strict policy of not kissing on the first date. Bye!" and off I went!

You know the feeling when you have to pee really really bad but you're not near a bathroom and then you finally can get to a bathroom and the relief is indescribable??? That's how I felt driving away!

Did you ever have a really bad blind date?


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