Stop coughing on me,damn it!

One of my biggest pet peeves is people who come in for an eye exam when clearly they should be in bed,drinking hot tea and taking cold medication. If they are going to their primary care physician for a "sick visit" then that is one thing. They are trying to get well.Ok.I'm all for that. Coming to an eye doctor for a routine eye exam in this condition is simply a selfish way of spreading their germs.

The other day,an older woman came in for a 6 month follow up visit and she told me that she had been very sick with a bad cold for 10 days. Right away I was aggravated. Germs are everywhere and there is no escaping them but she could have rescheduled this appointment for when she was feeling better. She had been getting worse over those 10 days and didn't want to bother her doctor.How kind of her.Don't bother your pcp for meds...just come right in my office and expose me to your illness.

So, here I am trying to refract her behind the phoroptor,(that's the big black and silver thing you look through to determine your eyeglass prescription...you know....when we ask you, "Which is better, one or two?") and it was absolutely infuriating.

I asked her the one or two question and there was a pause.

Patient: Uhm,one.(coughcoughcoughcoughcough.....big phleghmy cough,coughcoughcough....infection is flying straight out in front of her so I step way to the side.....patient sits back from phoroptor and presses tissue to her mouth....coughcoughcoughcoughcough....puts her head back in the initial position)

Me: Which is better now, three or four?

Patient: Three.(coughcoughcoughcoughcough.....huge hacking cough...another hacking cough......patient sits back from phoroptor again,coughcoughcough..germs are scurrying around the exam chair)

Me: Why don't I go get you some water? I'll be right back.

(I go off to the water cooler and get a cup of water. When I return to the exam room she drinks it down like a jello shot and hands me the cup. Fantastic...more freakin' germs. She puts her head behind the phoroptor again and I try to proceed.)

Me: I'll try to get through this as quickly as I can if you can just stay behind the phoroptor.

Patient: Sorry, it's just this darn cold.It's getting worse and worse every day.(coughcoughcoughcoughcough....another phlegmy nauseating cough.....tissue pressed to mouth.....coughcoughcough.)

(I held back from shouting,"So why the hell did you come in today? I can't afford to be sick. I have two jobs and both of them require that I speak without coughing up an internal organ."
I took a deep breath to calm myself but realized,too late, that I probably sucked in some extra germs with that cleansing breath.)

In the end,I refracted her while trying to dodge the spewing germs which were pouring forth like lava from a volcano.
After the exam, I escorted her out to the waiting room,put on my surgical gloves and scrubbed and scrubbed every inch of that exam room with Sani-Cloths which basically kills everything. Generally we only put on the gloves when we are putting in eye drops and have direct contact with the patient. If I had known how much protection I was going to need for this exam,I would've put on my gloves,a gown and a surgical mask.

If you are sick and have a doctor's appointment with an eye doctor,dentist,podiatrist,chiropractor or any other exam that is not a "sick visit" with your pcp.......STAY HOME!