Monday, August 14, 2006

Working through an anxiety attack

I am trying to ignore the fact that my throat is closing up and my breathing is off. The tears are streaming down my face and I am trying to stay calm. I hate anxiety attacks. I really do. I keep making typos and correcting them. My breathing is getting better. It is slowing down. I never tried to get control by typing before but just by focusing on something else,it seems to be helping.

I just got off the phone with Fred,the representative from this horrific nightmarish insurance that Rich's boss switched us to a couple of months ago. You know,the one that cost me $96 for my cholesterol pills yesterday,instead of the $30 that I used to pay with the old insurance.

I had e-mailed Fred because Rich said he asked me to so that he could try to help us. The bottom line was,he really can't help. I asked him about my doctor's visits which are coming up in September. Will I still have a $20 co-payment? He said it will be $25 and that I have a $250 deductible for tests. I told him I have a blood test every three months. Basically,I'll be paying that on my own.

That's when I lost it. My throat started to close up and I could barely get the words out because I was feeling like I was on the brink of hysteria. I said,"I have to be on these medications the rest of my life. I almost died last year. I need to see my doctor and nutritionist every 3 months. I have to have blood tests. I already pay $500 a month for this ridiculous insurance and we get NOTHING for it!! My meds are not discounted and I am paying my own doctor's bills!!"

Fred's reply was,"Well,this plan is really for healthy people."
I started shaking and crying when I said,"Ya...well.....I wish I was healthy on my own but unfortunately,I need medication to stay that way!!"

In the end, he admitted that he could not help me so I said good-bye and hung up.

Ya gotta laugh that I am supposed to cut down on my stress and yet,my whole life is one stressful situation after the next. Today is my one and only day off until next Monday because I have to work on my days off this week since Kara and Peter are out of their office. I don't mind working for them but I also don't get a day off.

I know there are so many things to be grateful for but today....I am just totally
F%^$#*& PISSED OFF! I am sick of working my ass off and still having shit happen. I am sick of being tired all the time because I am up most nights worrying about everything. I am sick of trying to figure out how to pay our bills.

I just called one of my jobs to see if I could get medical insurance through them. I can but it will cost $770.00 per month which is more than I actually make.

I told my mom that I am waiting for a nice fairy to fly from the sky and tell me that I deserve to have some good luck and then *poof* my life will be better.
Too bad life doesn't work that way.....too bad.

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