A bad math equation for the first day of school

Mommy's P.M.S. + Lillianna's first day of third grade = non stop crying!

Ok,honestly,I cry on the first day of school with or without P.M.S. but it was so much worse today.
Lillianna was nervous about school for some reason so of course,that put me on edge. Rich and I drove her to school. We were planning to drop her off at the student drop-off but when we reached the school she asked,"Aren't you going to walk me up like you did last year?"

Rich and I said,"Of course we will." We parked the car and walked her inside the front door. I asked the teacher in the hall if we could walk her to her class and of course she said,"No." Lillianna looked at me with fear and tears in her eyes. That made me start to cry.

I hugged her and told her it would be ok and that all her friends were waiting for her. She hugged me and walked down the hall. I sobbed all the way to the car. I don't even know why. It was just that there were so many emotions building up to that moment and I couldn't stop them. I got in the car and cried all the way home. Thank goodness it's a short ride.

When we got back home,Rich and I had breakfast. That's when I realized that since Lillianna insisted on packing her own lunch box,I didn't put my special "I love you. Have a good day" note in there. That made me cry even more.

Rich and I look at things in a very different way. I know in his mind he was trying to comfort me when he said,"Just think, in the very near future,Lillianna will hop out of bed,put on her sweatshirt and pants,throw her hair in a ponytail and drive herself to school."

I burst into tears and looked at him in horror as I sobbed,"Why did you go and have to say that????"

Do you have a hard time on your child's first day of school?

Karr is not Jon Benet's killer

I just read this.
I can't say that I'm surprised.
Karr sounds like a sicko perv but I knew he didn't kill Jon Benet.
Didn't you?

The last day of school vacation

Lillianna starts school tomorrow. I think school should start after Labor Day like it did in the olden days when I was a kid. Lillianna and I were snuggled up in my bed this morning while Rich was in the shower and I said,"I'm going to miss you. I wish you didn't have to go back to school tomorrow."

Lillianna said,"Ya,me too. It seems like summer vacation just beginned!"
My eyes widened in surprise and then I burst out laughing.
"Beginned? Did you say beginned????.....I do think it's time that you got back to school after all. I really do!" Then we hugged and laughed.

Quote of the day

A friend emailed me this quote the other day.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in your garage makes you a car.

It just made me nod my head in agreement. I know people like this. I really do.

It's all about ME!

This post is over at The Lighter Side.

Chandra gave the blog a new look. Come check it out! It's pretty in pink.

Do I even want to know?

Last night,I got home from work at 8:20pm and Rich headed out the door to visit his friend,Mingo. I hadn't seen Lillianna since my mom picked her up at the office on Friday at 12pm because my mom took her to her sleepover party at 2pm. By the time she came home on Saturday at 12pm,I had been at work for 5 hours. She had a lot to tell me about the fun she had when I finally got home.

After making some huge tissue paper flowers together,we snuggled on the couch. It was supposed to be a quick snuggle and then we'd go to bed. Nice theory. We fell asleep all cuddled together. I woke up about 90 minutes later.

I managed to roll Lillianna off of me and I told her to come with me and I'd help her get in her jammies. She was sound asleep and only whined at me. I left her on the couch and I went to bed.

I woke up around midnight to go the bathroom and realized that Lillianna managed to get in bed with me on her own. (Rich was still at Mingo's.) I pulled the blankets down and felt her to see if she had changed into her jammies. Nope. I couldn't imagine sleeping in jeans so I tried waking her up so that she could help me get her jeans off. After some struggling,I got them off and then covered her back up with the blankets.

This morning,at 5am,I was in the kitchen packing my food for the day. Lillianna stood in the entry way in her long sleeved shirt,underwear and socks. She looked perplexed as she hesitantly asked,"Do I even want to know why I am not wearing pants?"

That just struck me in such a funny way that I couldn't stop laughing.It sounded like something a drunken/hung over college buddy would ask the morning after a keg party.

I looked at my precious,confused and sleepy child and told her what happened. She hadn't remembered a thing. She laughed and I hugged her. I asked her if she wanted me to help her change. She said,"That would be nice,Mom." I helped the groggy girl into her warm jammies and settled her onto the couch. She decided to watch t.v. and maybe take a nap.

I will never forget her little cute face when she asked me about her pants. She always makes me laugh.

Dog nail polish

This is a short but funny post over at Lillianna's blog. Can you tell we have too much time on our hands today?
(I love being at my sister's office today. Lillianna and I each have our own computer! What a luxury!)

The chocolate chip pancake story

(This post was inspired by Shaz who emailed me that she had eaten chocolate chip pancakes this morning. Those three little words chocolate-chip-pancakes always makes me cringe. Here's why.)

I am known for never lying but once,in high school,I told a lie. I know,it's shocking. Even I was stunned when it happened.This is a good lesson in telling the truth!

After our Friday night high school basketball game in 1980,most of the cheerleading squad went to our captain Ann's house for a sleep over. She had the cool parents. The ones who would be arrested in 2006 if their kids were growing up in this decade. We were allowed to drink at their house whenever there was a party. I always told my parents and I always slept over if I had been drinking. My parents were "cool" too in those days.

Some of the boys who knew we were at Ann's house came over to hang out with us. We went skating on the lake behind the house and then we sat around the wood stove in the basement to warm up and talk. When it got late,the boys left but Ann invited them to come by the next day.

When we woke up the following morning,Ann's mom asked us what we wanted for breakfast. Everyone yelled,"PANCAKES!!" That sounded good to me too. Then.....before I knew what was happening......for no reason that I can make sense of......I blurted out,"I can make chocolate chip pancakes!!" Everyone stared at me with a sparkle in their eye. Gasps of,"Oh my G-d!!..... Really?......You can?" filled the kitchen. Then....it was too late. Their minds were set on it.

I've gone over this moment in my head many times over the years and the truth is,I have no idea what made me lie. I barely knew how to make regular pancakes,let alone chocolate chip ones. I thought,"How hard could it be? I had pancake mix and chocolate chips. I was on Honor Society! I knew stuff. I could do this."

I read the instructions on the box,mixed it together and added a good amount of chocolate chips. This wasn't so tough. Just then,one of the girls looked in the bowl and asked,"Don't chocolate chip pancakes usually have a dark batter rather than a yellow batter?"

Not knowing if that was actually true or not and reluctant to look like a moron,I said,"Well,I'm not done!" I opened all the cabinets until I found a can of cocoa powder. Who knew it was unsweetened? It was chocolate. That was good enough for me.
I added a generous helping of powder to my mix and stirred. Damn! It was like mixing cement.

I had doubled or tripled the batch so there was quite a lot of batter but I cooked it all on the griddle and presented my creation to my friends. I didn't really get any rave reviews but no one choked,died or had to be rushed to the hospital so I felt ok. The texture was....interesting......but they tasted ok. We ate a couple of them and then we all said we were stuffed and we'd save the leftovers for later.

The boys returned a short time after we ate breakfast and we all went skating on the lake again. Several hours later,we went indoors and Ann's mother whipped up some hot chocolate. Someone said we should heat up the pancakes for a snack. Reluctantly,I did.

The boys ate them like they were candy. "These cookies are delicious!!!! Who made them???" they asked. I hesitantly spoke up and said,"I did. I made the......cookies." All the girls looked up from their snack to stare at me as they tried to hide a smile. They didn't say one word. The boys were full of compliments so I popped one of those treats into my mouth. Hmmmm....as cookies,these things were pretty darn good! Yes they were. I smiled innocently at my friends and vowed I would never lie again!

Have you ever told a lie that you regretted the moment it was out of your mouth?

No story here!

I wanted to write about something....I can't say what since the person I wanted to write about has banned me from writing about it.It would've been a cute story not an embarrasing one but still,this person has said NO! So I will respect this person's wishes because I am that kind of person but I have added the nickname FUN-CRUSHER to the usual cutie-pie names I usually use.
That's all I have to say!!

JonBenet's killer?

I am not convinced! Where the heck did this guy come from?? He said he drugged JonBenet and had sex with her. Hmmmmmm.....then why didn't the autopsy find any drugs in her system? Were they invisible drugs?
I thought in the original investigation,it was revealed that there were NO footprints outside of her home in the snow. Did the killer fly in the house?
Did he orb in like Paige and Leo do in CHARMED?

This doesn't make sense. I know there is still an ongoing investigation but this doesn't feel right to me. I have always thought that if her parents were truly innocent of this murder,then it had to be her older brother. Didn't the family whisk him away right after it happened?

One of the talk radio guys that I listen to in the morning,was talking about this portrait,that Patsy Ramsey painted.He said that although it appears that the boy has his arm around the girl,he is,in fact,choking her. I don't know about that but it does make it interesting. Was Patsy trying to tell the world something? (If you read what is under the painting it sounds like she copied it from someone else which is odd too.)

It's hard to speculate since all the facts aren't in but what do you think? Is this guy really her killer? My vote is NO!

Pretty darn slick!

So,I'm alone at my sister's office. Yesterday was a bit boring but today has been really hopping. I haven't stopped working since I walked in the door. Keep in mind,this is a mortgage company and I've worked in ophthalmology for the past 16 years. I don't know anything about mortgages....all I know is how to do eye exams. This is quite a change.

I trained with Kara several weeks ago but it was only for one day. Apparently,that was a big enough help to get me through these few days. I had to do an appraisal letter as soon as I came in. This was my first one. When all that was done,a real estate broker called and needed a pre-approval letter. This was a new borrower so I had to set that up in the computer by myself.

When it came time to write the letter,it wasn't where it was supposed to be. I called Kara. Apparently I made an error.She was trying to tell me how to fix it but I said if I concentrate on my instructions,I could do it myself. I did. Then I printed and FAXED the letter to the agent.

Will it sound goofy if I say I am so proud of myself? I've talked to Kara and Peter a couple of times because I can't answer some of the questions that people are asking me but of course they don't care. By me being in the office,they got to go away with the kids for a few days and they pay me to be here so we all win!

If this wasn't such a horrific commute,I wouldn't mind doing this full time! If I could make my own hours and come in before traffic.......well,let's not jump the gun.

Trying to be kind

This post is over at The Lighter Side.

Killing time when I was 6 years old

Shelly at Generation Exhausted inspired me to write this post.

When I was 6 years old,we lived in an apartment complex. It was a huge complex just like the one I live in now. (Coincidentally,it was once owned by the same person so they are quite similar.) One day,Mom and I were planning to go into town to go shopping but before we did,she still had some things to do to get ready. She told me to go out and play. (Ahhhh...those were the days when you could actually send your child outside.)

I remember going downstairs to see if my friend Cheryl was around. No one was home. I went upstairs to Marcie's house. No answer.

There were five buildings in my part of the complex and then we crossed a little road and went into the second portion of the complex which is where the pool was located along with many more buildings.

I decided to check if my Dad's friend George was home. He lived 2 buildings away so I went over and rang the bell. He buzzed me up. His son,who was a couple of years older than me,was visiting and they were playing a game of pool in the living room. I watched for a while and then got bored so I left.

I crossed the little street and headed over to the bigger complex where my friend Judy lived. I rang the bell but no one answered. Somehow,I was let into the building and just roamed around until I reached the laundry room. There I found the washing machine repair man working on a machine. He talked with me for a while and then I must've got bored again and wandered out.

At some point,my frantic mother found me and screamed hysterically. I didn't see what the big deal was because I had just been trying to kill time until she was ready. What was her problem???????

When I told her where I had gone she yelled,"YOU WENT TO GEORGE'S APARTMENT????? ALONE??????" Uhm,ya.I had known George my whole life.I totally couldn't grasp her issue with this. Then she shrieked,"WHAT WERE YOU DOING TALKING TO THE REPAIR MAN?? HE COULD'VE KILLED YOU." When would he have found the time? He was busy fixing the broken machine. Why would he kill me?

Looking back,anything could've happened to me. As an adult,I realized that George was a pretty creepy guy.He said some inappropriate things to me when I was 24 years old which I have never forgotten. Had Mom known he couldn't be trusted? Parents didn't share this information with their kids back then like they do now.

As for the repair man,there is always something hideous happening in a laundry room in every scary movie. What does that tell ya? No wonder Mom was terrified.

The bottom line is that young children usually don't have the best judgment even if they seem to be very intelligent. Afterall,they are just children.

The best day ever

Here is Lillianna's post about meeting Jess.

The Boston swim meet

You can read about how Jess swam a zillion hours in our lovely Boston water here.
It's really a great story. I can't even swim one lap in the pool without getting tired. Jess is truly amazing.

Working through an anxiety attack

I am trying to ignore the fact that my throat is closing up and my breathing is off. The tears are streaming down my face and I am trying to stay calm. I hate anxiety attacks. I really do. I keep making typos and correcting them. My breathing is getting better. It is slowing down. I never tried to get control by typing before but just by focusing on something else,it seems to be helping.

I just got off the phone with Fred,the representative from this horrific nightmarish insurance that Rich's boss switched us to a couple of months ago. You know,the one that cost me $96 for my cholesterol pills yesterday,instead of the $30 that I used to pay with the old insurance.

I had e-mailed Fred because Rich said he asked me to so that he could try to help us. The bottom line was,he really can't help. I asked him about my doctor's visits which are coming up in September. Will I still have a $20 co-payment? He said it will be $25 and that I have a $250 deductible for tests. I told him I have a blood test every three months. Basically,I'll be paying that on my own.

That's when I lost it. My throat started to close up and I could barely get the words out because I was feeling like I was on the brink of hysteria. I said,"I have to be on these medications the rest of my life. I almost died last year. I need to see my doctor and nutritionist every 3 months. I have to have blood tests. I already pay $500 a month for this ridiculous insurance and we get NOTHING for it!! My meds are not discounted and I am paying my own doctor's bills!!"

Fred's reply was,"Well,this plan is really for healthy people."
I started shaking and crying when I said,"Ya...well.....I wish I was healthy on my own but unfortunately,I need medication to stay that way!!"

In the end, he admitted that he could not help me so I said good-bye and hung up.

Ya gotta laugh that I am supposed to cut down on my stress and yet,my whole life is one stressful situation after the next. Today is my one and only day off until next Monday because I have to work on my days off this week since Kara and Peter are out of their office. I don't mind working for them but I also don't get a day off.

I know there are so many things to be grateful for but today....I am just totally
F%^$#*& PISSED OFF! I am sick of working my ass off and still having shit happen. I am sick of being tired all the time because I am up most nights worrying about everything. I am sick of trying to figure out how to pay our bills.

I just called one of my jobs to see if I could get medical insurance through them. I can but it will cost $770.00 per month which is more than I actually make.

I told my mom that I am waiting for a nice fairy to fly from the sky and tell me that I deserve to have some good luck and then *poof* my life will be better.
Too bad life doesn't work that way.....too bad.

Do you know your phone number?

One of the things that drives me absolutely crazy is when people don't know their phone number. Ya....it's true! Some of them are clueless!
In my job with the answering service,I have to ask each caller what their call back number is so the doctor can return their call. There are too many people who say,"Uhm....I don't know my phone number because I don't call myself."

You don't call yourself? That's supposed to be a valid excuse? I don't write to myself but I know my home address!
That's all I have to say!

We actually met,Jess!

Well we did it.On Friday,Lillianna and I drove to the mall for our meeting with Jess. After "talking" to her online for the past two years, I was hoping she'd be just like I had pictured her.

I was surprised that she was taller than I had imagined because on her blog,she had said she was short. Well,I'm short at 5'3" so I thought she would be around 5' or 5'1". She's 5'5"! When I asked her why she said she was short she said,"Well,I am short for an athlete." Hmmmmm....I didn't think about it that way. In my eyes,that girl is tall.

We had a lovely lunch at Joe's American Bar and Grill and it took us forever to actually order since we were babbling non-stop and never really looked at the menu. Lillianna was absolutely silent and I realized that Jess and I were out-talking her! That's really amazing since Lillianna is quite a chatty little girl. We finally let her get a word in every now and then. She finally felt comfortable after a while and just piped up whenever she had something to say.

We spent around 4 hours at the mall and then Jess had to head to Boston for her pre-swim dinner. She came back to our apartment around 9:45pm to spend the night. We were both exhausted but we still talked for a while before going to sleep. We were both up very early since I had to go to work and she was heading back to Boston for her 4 hour swim mete. I'm still waiting to hear how that went. She drove back to Florida right after the mete so we didn't get a chance to see her again.

I am so glad that we got the chance to spend some time with her. Jess is kind,caring,funny and intelligent. She's just the way I thought she would be. Lillianna cried when she left. I told her she could still email Jess and we were lucky that we got to meet her. She sniffled and nodded her head but she didn't seem convinced.

I am always envious of people who get to meet their online friends. Now I can say that I met one too!

A lesson in friendship

This post is over at DotMoms.

My first "real life" meeting

I often wish that I could meet some of the people I have "known" online for the past two years. Today,Lillianna and I are going to meet Jess for lunch and then shop for a few hours. Then Jess is off to Boston for a pre-race dinner before she swims tomorrow morning. After dinner,she will come back to our apartment for a couple of hours of sleep before we are both up at the crack of dawn. I have to leave for work and Jess will head to Boston for her swim meet. I wish I could've taken the time off from work to see her swim but unfortunately,I don't have any extra vacation days. I'm taking them for Kara's wedding next month.

In two weeks,I will be meeting Kris.
Hmmm...it's almost like these internet people are real!

This is exciting because after reading their blogs and exchanging emails,I wonder if they will be the way I have imagined them to be. I'll let you know.

Have you met any of your internet friends?

A hodge-podge of thoughts

I haven't written a post since last Wednesday because I have so much crap in my head I couldn't put one thought together. Kris obviously had the same problem and she put all her thoughts in one post. Hey,I can do that. I was trying to make it sound sensible but apparently,that is not a must. I love blogging.

Here is what is on my mind...in no particular order.

1. Lillianna and I went up to the pool today at 3pm. I had a headache earlier in the day and begged Lillianna to let me nap for an hour. Wednesdays are hard for me because I work until 11:30pm on Tuesday nights so I was half dead today. Finally,after lunch and after my too short nap,I packed snacks and went up to the pool. A mom was leaving with her daughter and she said,"The pool is closed. The filter is broken. It's been broken for 3 days."

I was pissed. They put ridiculous signs in our vestibule every day of the week. Why couldn't they let us know about the pool??

2. There is a horrible glare running across my computer screen right now. I just HATE that!!

3. I have to go for my fitting this week. I did manage to buy my shoes and bra for the dress on Monday so all that is left is the fitting. Uhm...with my schedule,when the hell will I fit it in?? Huh?....When???

4. Tomorrow is my morning at the ophthalmology practice. I really hate dealing with people. It's 4 hours of torture,it really is. August 13th will mark my 16 year anniversary at this hell hole. Happy freakin' anniversary to me.

5. We still haven't heard about the job Rich applied to in June. We were told it might take a few months but I really want to know already! RIGHT NOW!

6. I have to go right from work to my sister's office tomorrow afternoon to train for that job. I wonder if I'll really ever be trained. Only time will tell.

7. Mom was telling me about the meeting she and Kara had today with the caterer for the wedding. The dessert table sounds delicious. My mouth was watering. Stupid Diabetes......ruins all my fun! I won't be able to eat a damn dessert!!

8. Lillianna and I watched Dr.Phil today. It was about a mom and dad who beat their 5 kids. It was horrible. It made us both sad for the kids.

I guess that's it for now. The glare is giving me a headache.

Too late,Mel......it's just too late

I'm really tired of hearing Mel Gibson apologize to the Jewish community for the anti-Semitic remarks that he made when he got picked up for drunk driving last week.
He claims he didn't mean them and that he is not anti-Semitic. He chalked it up to being drunk and not knowing what he was saying.

I have been drunk once or twice in my life and I knew exactly what I was saying when I said it. The problem was,I didn't care that I was saying it.

My senior year in high school,my friends and I arrived at our Halloween dance after drinking way too much Riunite Lambrusco. I was buzzed and determined to tell the boy that I liked that I liked him even though he was dating one of my friends. I did start to reveal my undying love for him when another friend dragged me off before I let the cat out of the bag. My point is,I knew exactly what I was doing even though I wasn't using my best judgment at the time. I never used the excuse,"Well,you can't blame me,I was drunk." The alcohol gave me the courage to say what I had been dying to say for way too long.

I think it's the same with Mel Gibson. He meant every anti-Semitic thing he said and the alcohol gave him the push that he needed to say it. His own father thinks the Holocaust is mostly fiction! The history of anti-Semitism is certainly in the family,although I don't blame children for their parent's actions. You can't deny that this isn't even the first time Mel has been accused of hating the Jewish people.

So Mel,since I am Jewish,I just want you to know that it's not up to me to forgive you. It's up to me to believe that your apology is sincere....which I do not. I think you are trying to say what you think we want to hear and what I want to hear is that you never said those things in the first place.
It's just too late,Mel.