Lost

Have you ever taken a good look at your life and wondered how you got here? That's how I've been feeling lately. All my plans for my marriage,my home,my career and my life in general took a different path than the one I thought I'd be traveling down.

I know that life is not a simple thing that can be wrapped up and tucked in your pocket for safe keeping but I never imagined that no matter how much I wanted something to happen,it just wouldn't work out that way. Life just seems to have a mind of it's own. It's total disregard of my plans really pisses me off.

For the past few months,even though my change in jobs has made my life easier,things are still spiraling down a road that I never wanted to be on. Now the question is,how the hell do I turn around and get out of here?

Unfortunately,every time I turn around to go down a better road,something else happens and I feel like I'm heading towards hell. Good thing I'm Jewish since we don't actually believe in hell. That's a plus!

I suppose a good therapist and a prescription for an anti-depressant is my first step at this point. Many of the things that I want in my life aren't really up to me and that's the part that gets me down. Rich needs to get a 2nd job working at night so that we can pay the bills but so far,he hasn't found one. The financial stress is keeping me up at nights and it occupies most of my thoughts during the day. It's hard to tune it out.

A few weeks ago when I got to work I felt so weird. I went to the surgery center and had them check my blood pressure which turned out to be fine but my pulse was 98. They said that was way too high and tried to get me to relax. Even when I'm not thinking of stressful things my subconscious is thinking about them.

I'm just feeling so lost. I wonder if I'll ever be able to find the path I initially wanted to be on or if I'm doomed to a live a life that I didn't choose and that I don't actually enjoy the way I had hoped to.

I feel like a loser and I really hate that feeling. Every time I take a step to make my life better,it's not enough. I wonder when things will turn around.