We Just Met....Why Are You Planning Our Wedding?

When my friend Elissa and I were young and single we used to frequent Jewish Singles dances with quirky names like THE MATZOH BALL. Sometimes we had a lot of fun. Other times we couldn't believe our mothers had talked us into going to another dance. The quest for "a nice Jewish boy" started to look pretty grim.

One night I met a cute guy at a dance. I was probably around 26 years old. I'm going to call this nice boy Jonathan because I can't actually remember his name but I think it was something close to that. Jonathan had been with a group of friends at this dance and we all kind of hung out together and had a lot of fun. He made me laugh and he loved to dance. We met early in the night so we spent a few hours together.

Sadly the announcement was made that the last song was being played. NO! This is really where it always went bad. Promises of, "I'll call you," and "We should definitely get together" were always lies. I was ready for the let down. A bunch of us were talking outside when Jonathan said, "We're all going to the beach tomorrow. Why don't you guys meet us and we can all spend the day together!"

Elissa and I were both quite pleased with this invitation. Of course we wanted to go!! We exchanged information with our new group of friends and planned to meet them the next day. We were so excited.

I don't remember if we met them somewhere and followed them to the beach or if we met them there. Either way, once I set up my chair one of the girls from our new group of friends said, "Jonathan hasn't stopped talking about you since you guys met last night. He is really smitten with you!"
I was thrilled. Perhaps all my years of looking for "Mr. Right" had paid off. This was going to be a fun day!!

A few minutes later Jonathan came over and hugged me. He said, "I wasn't sure if you were going to show up today. I couldn't sleep last night. All I could think about was you. Let's walk on the beach and have some time to ourselves."

At first we chatted about random things and I thought he was such a cutie pie. Then he uttered the words that changed everything for me. "So I talked to my sister in Canada and told her all about you!! She is so excited to meet you when she comes to visit in a few months. We were talking about weddings...you know, just for fun.....I LOVE the beach....."

We hadn't even known each other for 24 hours and he was planning our wedding????.....just for fun???? I don't think so. I saw a HUGE RED FLAG. I kind of lost interest after that.

Of course it was all for the best. I married a nice Italian/Irish boy instead.

I happen to like the song Super Bass by Nicki Manaj but I couldn’t understand a lot of the words. Thank goodness for Google. Sadly, reading the lyrics didn’t shed any light on my quest for understanding this catchy little tune. I have copied part of the lyrics here and I’ve made a couple of comments. If you have any other thoughts about this song please feel free to leave your own comments.

I said, excuse me you're a hell of a guy I mean my, my, my, my you're like pelican fly

(I’ve been in love a time or two but I’ve never complimented anyone by saying they were like pelican fly. What does that even mean? Pelicans often fly in a V pattern. Is there some underlying message that I am missing here?)


I mean, you're so shy and I'm loving your tie

(I feel pretty certain that Nicki Manaj is not in any type of relationship with a guy wearing a TIE. Maybe I’m just assuming she’s involved with thugs since her language is hardly that of a lady. If I have made an unfair assumption I will apologize to Ms. Manaj)


You're like slicker than the guy with the thing on his eye, oh
(What kind of thing does this guy have on his eye? Since I work for an ophthalmology practice I have seen some grotesque growths on the lids of our patients. All I can picture is some guy with a huge stye ready to burst open at the seams. Ya….that is pretty slick, isn’t it?)

Yes I did, yes I did Somebody please tell him who the eff I is
( Nice effin’ language, Nicki! Really nice.)

I am Nicki Minaj, I mack them dudes up
(Now this part is sweet. The best I can figure is she is making mac & cheese for all the dudes. That is what “make them dudes up” means, right?)

Back coupes up, and chuck the deuce up
( I wish I could find an interpretation for this but I am totally at a loss. Is it about parking cars? Back the coupes up?.....anyone…..Bueller?.....Bueller?)

I totally give up!

My Sweet Daughter

This morning I woke Lillianna up at 6:30am. She immediately sat up, rubbed her eyes and smiled at me. "Good morning,Mom. Thanks for waking me up." Her sweetness touched my heart. It was such a pleasant start to my day as it always is.

Thirty minutes later it was time for me to leave. Lillianna was dressed for school and sitting on the couch. I picked up my things for work and said, "Bye Sweetie. I love you."

Lillianna hopped off the couch, threw her arms around me and said, "You're the best Mom ever! Have a great day at work. I love you!!" I nearly cried. It's such a blessing to have such sweetness in the morning.

Okay.....so what really happened this morning?

I woke Lillianna up at 6:30am. That much was true. When I asked her if she was up she grumbled some muffled sounds which sounded like a wounded animal. I took that as a "yes" and left the room. Shortly thereafter I heard more muttering. I just ignored it and enjoyed my breakfast.

I gathered my things to leave for work and just as I was about to walk out the door I said, "Bye Sweetie. I love you." There was a pause. Nothing was said so I said to myself, "Bye Mom. Have a great day at work. I love you." My sarcasm was lost on my cranky child. Finally she said, "Toodles!"

I said,"If this is the last time you see me, do you want "toodles" to be the final thing that you said to me? Really?" She thought for a second and then said "Toodles" again.

Rich said,"If this really is the last thing you say to your mother then I am having the word TOODLES tattooed on your forehead so that you can see it every time you look in the mirror. Better yet, I'll have your mother's face tattoed on your forehead! How about that?"
I told him I thought it was a good plan and I left for work.

Thank goodness I lived through the day so that Lillianna has another chance to show how much she loves me. Tomorrow's another day.

Just call her Lilly

I named my daughter Lillianna because I thought that was a beautiful name.....I still do. I either call her Lillianna or Noodle. I usually only call her Lilly when I'm upset because it sounds more strict....LIL-LY,2 harsh syllables to indicate I mean business.

Lillianna sounds more like a pretty melody so I don't normally call her that when I'm displeased. Noodle is just a cutie pie name that I have used for years and it is never used when she is being grounded.

That being said, I almost always refer to her as Lillianna in any correspondence which would include Face Book. She informed me the other day that she does not like my refering to her as Lillianna since she is simply Lilly now and all her friends know her as Lilly. That kind of made me sad because I know how this all came to be and it started in elementary school.

I don't know if her kindergarten teacher was the first but I know that it hit me by
2nd grade that the teachers couldn't manage to pronounce my child's name. They wanted to say Lilly-AH-na instead of Lilly-ANN-a. When I corrected them they said, "I'll just call her Lilly."

Don't get me wrong. I am not opposed to nick names. I had always wanted one of my own when I was a kid but other than Kara calling me Ra-Ra because she couldn't say Robin when she was little, I never really had a nick name. I've come to terms with that over the years so I'm totally fine with it.

I'm also not opposed to nick names in general but when Lillianna asked me to use the name Lilly on Face Book instead of Lillianna I felt a pang of sadness come over me. To the world she will be Lilly, I guess, but to me she will always be Lillianna.

It's ok....it's Phat with a PH

I'm not a big fan of slang. I remember when I was 13 and I went to San Diego to stay with my cousin Becky for 3 weeks and we laughed at each other's expressions. She couldn't understand "wicked good" since wicked means bad. How could something be
bad-good? It didn't make sense to her even after I explained that wicked just meant "very." We didn't use it in terms of wicked meaning something bad. It seemed perfectly normal to me.

I remember choking on my Dr.Pepper and how the carbonation hurt as it shot out through my nose when Becky said her mother "was going to have a cow." The image in my head was so bizarre I didn't know what to say. She didn't know why I was so hysterical. She just meant her mother was going to be upset. I'll probably never get that image out of my head!

So here we are in 2011 and I know the phat word has been around for a few years now but I heard it on tv the other day and it disturbed me. My guess is that it was created by some passive-aggressive person who was too afraid to say what he meant. Like the disgruntled silent suffering mate in a bad relationship who couldn't quite call it quits. As his girlfriend entered the room feeling wonderful, he looked at her with the intent to insult her and before he knew it the words flew out of his mouth, "Wow....you're really fat in that outfit."

Realizing he actually said what he was hoping to just think, he had to make a quick save as his girlfriend burst into hysterical tears.

"Oh honey, I didn't mean that in a bad way. I meant you look beautiful."
"But you said I looked FAT!" she sobbed.
After a moment's thought the boyfriend replied, "Oh sweetie....you misunderstood me. I didn't mean fat with an F, I meant phat with a P.H."
"There's no such word," she says but still remains hopeful.
"Yes, it's a new slang word. It means beautiful, wonderful, fantastic....the best!"
And they live happily ever after.....ya right!

Matty in the morning on KISS 108 FM claims you can take the sting out of anything bad by just adding "dude" to the end of your sentence.
"Your breath stinks.....dude." Doesn't sound so bad. Sounds kind of helpful.Good dental hygiene is important.

"Your wife is cheating on you....dude." Just giving you a head's up, my friend.
He kind of has a point there.

So here's my point. I'm just going to make stuff up.If PHAT is ok then PHUCK should be ok too...as long as it's spelled with a PH.

I can say, "Phuck you!" and if anyone looks at me strangely or gets mad I'll just explain, "You've got it all wrong. I said F*&^ with a PH....you know....the good kind. It means have a nice day." I'm sure that person will see the light, hug me and say, "Well then, phuck you too." We'll be life long friends, I'm sure.


Let's go one better and add a silent H at the beginning of a word. You could say to your spouse, "Oh my God, you are such a hmoron!!" When he/she gets insulted you just reply, "I didn't mean moron. I said hmoron, you know, with a silent H at the beginning. It means "best person in the world."

Ah....what a passive-aggressive nation we've become.
What's your new word?

Happy Belated Birthday, Lillianna

My precious child left a comment on an old birthday post and asked why I hadn't written about her turning 13 this year. Can you hear the knife stabbing into my heart? OY!
She's a good Jewish girl throwing that guilt around. I taught her well.

The reality is that work keeps me busy and when I get home I am so exhausted I'm lucky if I stay awake after dinner. The first time I've written on this blog in months was yesterday or the day before....I've already forgotten.

So here ya go, Noodle..........My very precious daughter turned 13 on October 3rd. Yes, she's officially a teen. I'm going to officially need therapy. I know these are the years that kids pull away from their parents and bond with their friends but it's killing me....and yet I'm so proud of her too. How can that be? It's like an oxymoron like jumbo shrimp. How can it be both? It simply is.

She's a good girl with wonderful friends. Some friends she is very close to and others she is moving away from. Sometimes I'm sad for the change but I know it has to happen. My friend Robin and I drifted apart in 7th grade so I know how painful it can be. You are simply not the same person at 13 that you were when you were 6. Some gaps can not be bridged so you cross the bridge, wave good bye and move on. No one is right and no one is wrong. The relationship changed.

I remember when Kara was a teenager and I was in my late 20s and I used to say to her, "I love you because you are my sister but if we were the same age we would never be friends!!" We both agreed that was true. Of course even that relationship changed over the years and we are very close and adore each other. Go figure!

Lillianna is different.She is sweet, funny, smart, kind, loving, compassionate and a real snappy dresser! She hangs out with a great group of kids but when I was that age I was kind of quiet and I liked one on one relationships. I didn't do things in groups the way she does.

I think Lillianna is like Kara and that's ok with me since I love both them. I'm proud of the way Lillianna has turned out even when she ignores me or rolls her eyes at me. She is the perfect daughter for me. If I could change one thing about her I'd change the way she tells me that I'm not "hip and happening" because I totally know I am!! Would an unhip mom take her to see Justin Bieber and Sean Kingston next week? Huh? Would they? I don't think so.

Happy belated birthday to my 13 year old daughter. I love you!

P.S. Lillianna, your father says you're killing him!!

Buy a Dictionary!

I often write about spelling mistakes but that's because they drive me insane.
On Monday I drove by a restaurant that had a chalkboard sign outside.
It read: WE ARE A FULL SERVICE RESTURANT

Oh how tempted I was to walk in the front door and say, "If you can't spell restaurant then you shouldn't have one!" But alas, I simply drove by without stopping.

I also pass by a sub shop every day. Their new sign says,
It's not to late for Thanksgiving dinner. I understand that you can choose from two, too or to and golly jeepers that can be a tough call but if you don't know which one to use please ask someone. I make errors too, to, two but I don't post them on signs for all to see, sea. If I make a blogging boo boo it's no big deal. I'm not a business. I'm just writing down the crap that's in my head. Businesses should ask 10 people to proof read a sign before they put it up.

The reality is that I'm not driving around looking for spelling errors. My eyes are just drawn to them. Whether it's a sign, a note from school or a flyer for some event, I find the spelling mistake. It's a curse....really it is.

More Teen Moms?

When Pregnant at 16 started on MTV I thought it was stupid. When Lillianna started watching it I thought it would be good for young girls to see how difficult it would be to be a teen mom. Maybe this show would prevent teen pregnancies. So, I ended up following the girls through their show and on to their follow up show, Teen Moms.

I usually watch this show with Lillianna as I comment along the way. What 13 year old girl wouldn't love the additional remarks from her mother? When Farrah walked away from Sophie who was playing on the bed and then Sophie fell off the bed I said, "Do you know why that baby fell off the bed?" Without letting Lillianna answer I said, "Because she has a teen mom who is preoccupied with talking on the phone instead of watching her daughter, that's why!"

When Catelyn was crying as she handed Carly over to her adoptive parents I asked, "Do you know how you can avoid crying hysterically like that?" This time I waited for an answer. Lillianna sighed, rolled her eyes and said, "Yes, Mom....don't be a teen mom." I smiled proudly and said, "That's right. Good girl. You have been listening!"

Okay, so here we are. The show is over. I'm thinking maybe these teen moms did some good in the world and teen girls are thinking first before having unprotected sex.
BUT NO!!!!!! There is another whole batch of them waiting in the wings.

The next edition of Pregnant at 16 has already begun. While these girls were watching the first round of Pregnant at 16 they thought that looked like a good idea and then they got pregnant!!! What the hell is wrong with everyone???

I know some women who were teen moms and they are wonderful people raising fantastic children but it's not a goal a teen girl should have. MTV is giving these girls their 15 minutes of fame and everyone seems to be winning here except the babies.

I may not be a perfect mom but I've lived 35 years longer than my child and I learned some stuff during those years. I know much more now than I did at 16. I wish girls would get their education first and then think about motherhood down the road.

MTV should find a better way to help teens. These shows seem to encourage the very thing they're trying to prevent.